?

Log in

Journey through a minefield
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pro_shylock's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
5:12 pm
What a day! When you get a text from your ex saying "Can we talk?" It's never going to be good. Given the fact that I am now with someone else I was expecting something along the lines of "I hate you, you stupid whore". However, what he actually said was that he still loved me and he wanted me back. There's never going to be an easy way to say no to that. He was very upset and almost crying and kept saying he loved me and I had to say that breaking up from him was for the best and I was happy.....with someone else. I just feel so incredibly guilty. I said I still wanted to be his friend (which isn't just a cliche...I actually meant it) but he said it was too painful for him, just seeing me is painful, I am such a horrible bitch woman, men really should avoid falling in ove with me..but do they ever listen garrrrr!!!!! I am going to go away and cry now.

Current Mood: distressed
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
12:56 pm


For anyone who is curious, that's Ben
Friday, June 29th, 2007
5:47 pm
My life is very strange. I have a feeling there is some kind of higher power working in Aberystwyth that will not let me be single. I broke up with Andrew and less than 48 hours later, I have a new boyfriend, Ben Maths student, 21, sweet, funny and handsome. I swear I don't know how it happened, I wasn't even flirting, I just remember looking at him and thinking we might work (we were friends before...he's my best friend's ex) and the next thing I know, we're cuddled up together...and other stuff. I don't know what kind of feromone i'm giving off but it should be bottled. Not much luck finding a job, weather's awful, but otherwise, life is sweet!
Sunday, May 20th, 2007
5:31 pm
Hello everyone...remember me, very bored of revision so I thought i'd do a quick update. At 6.00am this morning my stepmother gave birth to her baby (though as she had it by ceasarian i'm not sure that counts as giving birth...well not if you believe Macbeth anyway). So I now have a very much younger brother, with the extremely cool name of "Matej Lukas Howlett". It feels very weird, 20 year age gap and everything. I should be going down to visit after exams so I will be around for a couple of days at the beginning of June, don't know if anyone else will be home at that time. On the subject of exams, I have my first one tomorrow, and i'm actually feeling very confident, despite the fact i've done hardly any revision, it's strange, i'm sure i'll be giving a very different post come tomorrow afternoon. Asn for the rest of my life, Aber is great, things still going well with Andrew. Unfortunately I have developed Gastritis, which i'm told basically means my stomach is being eaten by it's own acid...so that kinda sucks...lots of fun medication, oh well, c'est la vie!
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
1:33 pm
Since, i've been very bugged i'd thought i'd better post and give people an update on the world of Carmelle. Well for starter's I have a new boyfriend (no it isn't Greg, he was sweet but I decided he's not for me). His name's Andy, and he's a 26 year old computer scientist, he's awesome, it seems to be going really well, and he's actually got a mental age higher than 12, which makes a refreshing change from the callous, reptilian, immature, twat I was dating before. Work's going ok, waiting on some test results from my mum, they think she might have cancer....other than that everything's fantastic. Bryn..congratulations on successful deployment of shuffle-back!
Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
12:05 pm
Hello everybody. I'm sorry, I know this is my first post in ages, hope things are going well for everyone. I've been horribly ill with flu and chest infection for the past couple of weeks so, it wasn't really possible for me to come to Manchester, but I hear all was fun. Not really much to report on the me front. I have a house for next year, signed a scary legal contract and everything. I've decided to definately break-up with Les, in fact i'm doing it tomorrow, I know it's a bit evil, doing it on Valentines day, but that's just the way it worked out, I don't think he really cares about Valentines day, so I hope it'll be o.k, I just want it over with, we haven't had a proper relationship for ages. I've also been given an extra push by the fact i've met someone else, an incredibly sweet guy at LARP called Greg, we're going out for a drink tonight to get to know each other better. I'm very nervous, but at least i'm starting out, knowing we have at least one thing in common, if there's a gap in the conversation we can just talk about our characters. Breaking up with Les is going to be difficult, I keep being told "you've got to do it", but last night I really didn't think I could, the reality of saying it is terrifying,but i'm feeling a little braver now, he hasn't made me happy in ages. Better go now.
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
9:53 am
I'd like to take the opportunity to remind people to lock the door when they are getting up to things, never assume it's locked, I recommend checking a minimum of 307 times. Last night I was in Les's room, there was a knock at the door and both assuming it was locked we said "Yes?" as in "can we help you?". However next minute the door flew open and Jason was treated to the sight of the two of us in a very compromising position with identical expressions of horror on our faces. I've been walked in on before but this somehow seems 10 times more embarassing...and poor Jason!! Oh well i'm sure in 500 years or so i'll be able to look back on this and laugh

Current Mood: mortified
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
6:27 pm
Hi, sorry I haven't posted lately, I fully acknowledge that this means I suck and am a terrible person. Seeing people this weekend was great (i'm also amazed at just how happy sushi can make me) however a weekend in a city brought home to me just how much I love Aberystwyth! I feel very at home there. Since I got back on Sunday (apart from one night) i've been at Les's house pretty much constantly, i've just got back home. It's suddenly going so well (even better than before) and it was a real wrench saying goodbye to him this evening eventhough I know i'll be seeing him again tomorrow. He said that when he saw me onto the train to go to Birmingham, he hadn't felt a sense of loss like that since saying goodbye to his dad in Poland. On work related topics, the Faustus essay is done and handed in and yesterday I worked for nine hours straight on my classics essay, but actually kinda enjoyed it. The whole situation was ridiculously studenty. I was sitting at the table with Nathan surrounded by massive piles of books, cups of coffee and sweets, and to cap it all there was an anime movie playing in the background. Life is cool at the moment, and this evening I can kick back and watch a movie without feeling guilty because i've worked my ass off!
Wednesday, November 15th, 2006
11:51 pm
God! Shit!Fuck! Bollucks! Jesus! Wank! I'm so stressed, I feel like crying (in fact I did a few hours ago). Work is piling on top of me like a big oppressive mountain and my brain has been stolen by evil pixies. I have an essay on Doctor Faustus due in very soon and having got just over 3 quarters of the way through, i've suddenly decided I hate absolutley everything i've written. I feel I need to start again, but there is no time, and I get feedback from my American lit portfolio on Monday and my tutor said "Most of them were good, but there were a couple of complete disasters" and naturally i'm assuming i'm one of those. This stress is augmented by the fact that the insomnia is back, so consequently i'm exhausted. I fell asleep in both my seminar and my lecture on Monday, and I don't just mean a little doze, I mean properly fell asleep. Everything just got too much today and I broke down in floods of tears. However after having a chat with Nathan who assured me that everyone was in the same boat, and I can get through this because i'm very smart and capable I decided that hanging myself would be a slight overreaction to my predicament. I have the whole day tomorrow to work uninterrupted and I do have some ideas and what i've written is probably not as bad as I think, some of it can possibly be salvaged. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, it will be great to see people and I think I need a break, if I keep up like this i'm going to make myself seriously ill. On that note I had my x-ray today (which was terrifying but I wont hear anyhting back for about a week.
Thursday, November 9th, 2006
12:18 am


O.K, if the picture thingy has uploaded correctly this is Les (He's the one in the picture who isn't me.)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
11:52 pm
Hey! Thought it was about time I did a little updating. I've got a lot on at the moment, handed in my first essay on Monday, but I have little time to celebrate, as over the next couple of weeks I have two more due in...ugh! I'm quite tired and I think I have to do a little work at getting myself motivated again. It doesn't help that chest infection is still hanging around, and it's caused me to miss a seminar, which isn't good. I got a letter from the hospital and my x-ray is scheduled for next wednesday, i'm actually quite scared. On the lighter side of things, grandmother's visit was nice, it was great to see her and she loved Aberystwyth. We visited castle ruins and went to the top of a big hill on a railway thingy. Unfortunately I got part of the way up and suddenly remebered I was terrified of heights. Birthday also enjoyable, being 20 is most bizarre. Les bought me a really cute toy duck and some heart shaped chocolates, the duck is now sitting on my desk next to the oragami bird he folded for me (I'm torn between being moved and sappily thrilled and the more cynical side of me which just thinks *puke*), He took me for ice-cream in the afternoon and we were walking hand in hand along the seafront, just as the sun was setting, I guess I can't fight it, i've become one of those sickening couple people. Fortunately, it hasn't killed my streak of ice-cold materialism, most of my family gave me money for my birthday, which I spent on a new ipod, it's all sleek, silver and sexy. I'm looking at it right now and it's making me smile. I can't say the transition into being in a relationship has been entirely a smooth one, it really does make a difference, having this other person in your life when you're used to it being exclusively yours, having to really consider someone elses emotions and just basically letting someone in. I have let him in, which is causing me to panic, I wasn't going to tell him anything about my past, which on a couple of occasions has involved being slightly economical with the truth and that's not a good foundation for a relationship. Hence I decided that, he seemed to trust me so i'd do the same. Some stuff he guessed and confronted me directly about and some stuff I chose to disclose. What's worrying me is that it really seemed to upset him (which I suppose isn't surprising, but I wasn't prepared for how much it would...he was nearly crying when he found out some stuff) and I dont want to upset him, I want having a relationship with me to be fun, but he wanted me to trust him enough to be honest with him. When I first told him some of the stuff I was thinking "O.k now you know, so do you want to break up now or later?", but surprisingly enough he still wants me, he's a very decent guy. I just don't want to bring him down and i'm wondering whether i'm really all that good for him, but at the same time I want to be with him...am I being selfish? He said he's going to "fix me", I appreciate the sweetness of the sentiment but it doesn't work like that. Oh well. Looking forward to seeing people in Birmingham, is that still happening and who's going? Hope everyone is o.k, I gather London was fun.
Wednesday, November 1st, 2006
1:07 am
I've decided to have another go at the giving up smoking thing. You may be thinking "Hmmm I have the strangest feeling we've been here before", but this time it's different as it is entirely my decision and i'm not just going to leap in without any sort of aid, i'm going to go to attend a smoking clinic so I will have the support of nicotine replacements and counselling, and all that jazz. I've come to this conclusion as i'm now on another course of antibiotics for yet another chest infection and because of the long period the cough has lasted and the coughing up of blood and scary things i've had a blood test and i've been booked in for a chest x-ray, so basically the fear that it could be something more than a simple chest infection has quite seriously shaken me up. The penny may have finally dropped. I'm perfectly aware I may drastically fail as I have many times before, but lets just see how it goes.
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
5:12 pm
Uggh, I feel really strange and spaced out, I hate sleeping during the day. I got back from spending the night with Les at about 11.00 this morning fully intending to shower, then get down to some work.Abby, one of his housemates had her boyfriend down and we went for a drink with them and I stayed over. Unfortunately not a lot of sleeping had occurred during the night and I made the fatal mistake of lying down for a quick nap that turned into 4 hours of unconciousness. I'd better try and get some work done this evening though, I have an American lit portfolio due on the 6th of November. My relationship with Les is going extremely well (almost too well, i'm waiting for some major tragedy to befall me.). Not only are we very attracted to each other, we seem to actually enjoy talking as well. I'm just not used to this much tenderness and affection,i'm so moved by it it's almost physically painful sometimes, he's always hugging and kissing me and telling me how beautiful I am. I've also discovered that he can hug me from behind and even touch my waist without making my skin crawl. He likes Disney music (particuarly Beauty and the Beast) and taking photographs of, and drawing beautiful scenery...what am I doing with this impossibly sweet guy, sometimes I think maybe he deserves an impossibly sweet, innocent girl instead of a grade A screw up with a more than slightly shady past. I got an insight into how different this is from all my other relationships last night when he got into bed wearing adorable stripey flannel pyjamas, to add to the cuteness, his mum bought them for him! I think i'd better embrace the happiness while it lasts.
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
8:42 pm
Sometimes I just hate my life! My mum has phoned me, I was pleased until I discovered that her reason for doing so was to ask me to plead her case with my grandmother when she comes to visit, to tell her that Shelley is a wonderful person and that she should meet her and fully accept my mother's relationship with her. My response SHOULD have been "Okay mother, allow me to summarise your proposal, you want me to spend the limited time I have with my grandmother, whom by the way I love very dearly and has been one of the few stabilising influences in my life, having a conversation she really doesn't want to have (particuarly with me) thus essentially forcing me to chose with which of you my loyalties lie. Just so there is no misunderstanding I will keep my response brief and crystal clear....FUCK OFF!!!" But of course being the spineless and meek person I am, what I actually said was "Yeah, okay". Now I don't know what to do, I can't bring myself to distress my grandmother by bringing up mum and shelley, particuarly in the context of presuming to tell her what she should do or feel about it, but I don't want my mum to freeze me out anymore than she already does. I wish I could bring myself not to care, but if i'm entirely honest with myself I can't, she definately doesn't qualify for mother of the year but i'm not going to get a better one and it still really hurts when she pushes me away. It seems i'm very much between a rock and a hard place, because if I don't say anything my mum will find out and think i've betrayed her but if I do say something it will ruin my grandmother's visit. Why have I been put in this position....grrrhhh!!!!!
2:37 pm
Grrrhhh, feeling quite tired and ill, but i've been forcing myself to work and i'm gradually getting stuff done, with all that's happened the last few days i've almost forgotten why i'm actually here...I think it's to acquire some sort of degree. Went to a bar last night, which was quite good and then I decided to go to Penbryn as I wasn't quite ready to go home and I haven't smoked weed in a long time, but after being there a little while and having a few drags on a joint I was like this really isn't my scene anymore so i'm not gonna try, the stupidity of what I was doing due to my past history also hit me and my fear got the better of me. I therefore went home. The corners of my squaredom are becoming ever more sharply defined. My relationship with Les was made official yesterday when he referred to me as his girlfriend. On the one hand it's really nice, I finally have a genuinely sweet guy in my life who cares about me...I care about him too which already puts it one-up on all my previous relationships (with one exception). But, oh no...it's that ice-cold blast of mind-numbing fear. I'm so used to fucked up relationships with complete twats, that I really have no idea how to deal with this, it's like "My God, you actually care about me...why?...and what do I do?". I still stand by the theory that i'm not a good person to get emotionally invested in, particuarly if you're fairly naive and inexperienced. I've got a horrible feeling i'm going to end up hurting him one way or another and as he's a total sweetie I really don't want that to happen, but this has all been such a shock I really don't know exactly how I feel, I know I like him though. He's in a very confused space at the moment with bisexual thing and i've said i'm ok with him experimenting (fortunately i'm not excessively jealous or posessive and he needs to get it out of his system) but in spite of this confusion, he looked at me several times yesterday like he'd won the lottery or something and i'm thinking that's very possibly because you don't know that much about me yet, maybe I should have read you some sort of disclaimer before we jumped in the deep-end. Don't get me wrong, I feel lucky to be with him to and I want it to work out but I feel these are legitimate concerns. Taking into consideration the fact I don't have the ability to see into the future I think i'm just going to have to go with it and see what happens, maybe it's worth the risk. Ciao for now! Miss everyone lots xxxx
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
11:42 pm
O.k, in serious need of bringing myself under control! I think it's safe to say we've shot straight through the shy and awkward phase...remarkably quickly. Tonight I was planning to go watch a movie with Christine and Megan one of her housemates at Megan's boyfriend's house and I didn't even think Les was going to be there, though it was a nice surprise that he was. I was completely expecting him to have changed his mind but it seems he hasn't. It was nice, we ate Pizza and cuddled up together (there was a little kissage too) and watched the movie and he kept pulling me closer and closer as though he were trying to envelope me completely. At the time I was thinking it would be nice to stay at this sweet, innocent uncomplicated stage forever, but when we left and went outside to wait for the taxi it was like "Whoah! hormone surge! hormone surge!" and kissing turned into more kissing then other stuff. We said goodbye outside my house and very nearly almost went inside, but funnily enough it was me that pulled back and said we should wait. It wasn't that I didn't want to but I still want to go with the taking it slowly thing, for me the idea of sex is a whole lot scarier than it used to be, I don't think it's going to be long though. (I really wanted to stick to the four date rule...honestly). I hope he actually cares about me and doesn't just want to get into my knickers, i'm sure he doesn't just want that. I'm also very nervous about showing my body to him, due to it's large amount of scarring, he's bound to ask, and then what do I tell him? Self harm issues are a bit heavy this early on, we're not even officially in a relationship yet, for all I know this could turn out to be just fooling around, I don't know how he feels. One look at my arms and stomach is more than enough to send a lot of people moving very quickly in the opposite direction.
1:05 am
Oh Lord! I have a strange feeling I am no longer single. His name is Les, he's Polish and he's really sweet. I went out tonight, fully anticipating a mellow evening in comparison to last night...how wrong I was. I'd spoken to him before (he's one of Christine's housemates) when I first met him I thought he was really strange and was sure I was going to dislike him, but when I talked to him more I discovered he's actually sweet and funny, but just kinda awkward and reserved which I can sympathise with to a certain extent. Anyway this evening we talked loads and we were gradually sitting closer and closer together, then sort of almost holding hands but not then I was leaning aginst his shoulder and he suddenly said if I wanted to consider a relationship he would too (not the most smooth and romantic proposition ever but I thought it was really cute). Then we were holding hands and snuggling for the rest of the evening. I was surprised he seemed proud to be with me, he kept holding up our joined hands and showing people. He walked me home at the end of the evening and we had a kiss and a cuddle. I'm not going to define us yet and we've agreed to take it slow (which is novel in itself for me, this will be the first relationship since my first boyfriend when I was 14, when it hasn't begun with a shag). We're still awkward and shy around each other. When we kissed it was the first time since my first kiss when i've felt nervous and fumbling and unsure. I'm a little scared, i've been on my own for so long and i've got my problems. He's also a virgin and he's only been out with one other girl, it's intimidating being the experinced one. But i'm not going to get carried away with it, i'm not good at relationships and he's got this bisexual confusion thing going on. But he's really nice and I find him attractive and he seems to like me to so I hope it works out ok. It still feels a bit unreal last night I had two meaningless kisses with lecherous man-whores and then the next night this happens, it's like nothing happens, then it all happens at once. I dunno....i'm very apprehensive.
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
12:43 am
Hmmmmm...ok. Allow me to call to your minds my recent post complaining of chaste lifestyle and lack of vices...well, scrub round that. I have just this second got in from a pirate pub crawl ( a pub crawl where everybody dresses up as a pirate) and in the past 20 minutes I have kissed a guy, had a kiss and a grope with another guy and turned down two offers of sex. I cannot offer the defence of drunkeness as I was, as usual stone cold sober. The first guy was called Richard who I was warned several times was a total man-whore. The first time he spoke to me he asked me to "get naked" and threw ice down my top, and then spent a lot of the evening trying to chat me up, and due to the fact he was moderately good-looking and kept telling me I was gorgeous (I don't experience that very often) my resistance was worn down, he was very charming in a drunken lascivious kind of way. He gave me his number but I wont be calling him. The second incident was even more bizarre. I was standing outside after having been bodily dragged from the bar by Christine and a guy came up and put his arm round my waist and asked if I was staying I replied I didn't know and turned to face him and the next minute we were enthusiastically kissing and groping (I may have some embarassing hickeys tomorrow) I don't even know this guy's name. He asked me back to his place but I was once more dragged away (not that I was planning to take him up on his invitation). I feel slightly cheap but it is nice to be told by several different guys in one evening that you're good looking, I'm now a little more reassured that i'm not hideously repellent and doomed to die alone. Thus my long period of abstinence draws to a close, i'm not sure whether to feel bad or not. The second guy was quite a good kisser...most likely among the best i've had, but that's not hard. All in all it's been a strange night, it's nice to know i've met some very caring people who several times physically dragged me away from Richard, i'm grateful but also pretty sure I can take care of myself...maybe.
Thursday, October 19th, 2006
9:12 pm
Hello Livejournal! Sorry I haven't updated lately, but my life has continued in much the same vein as when I last left you. Unfortunately my cosy little rut of relative contentment has been transformed into something resembling hell by a seemlingly incurable, unexplainable bout of insomnia. Clearly the fates have gazed down upon the latest chapter of my life and declared that this little saga of academic success and fulfilment is dull in its tranquility and seriously lacking in angst. To them I say, "look around you is our world not favoured with a liberal scattering of suffering and thwarted ambition, is it quite beyond the extent of your goodwill to allow this poor mortal a few years of undisturbed happiness (sort of...I don't expect the deliverance into my hands of uncorrupted felicity, there are certain areas of my life that weren't and still aren't going well at all). Seriously i've tried everything, warm drink before bed, no caffinated beverages after 5 o clock, plenty of excercise, no dvds just before bed, getting up early, nothing works. A doctor would just give me sleeping pills and having used them extensively I dont think I would be unjustified in questioning the point of the things, for the state of catatonia they put you in the next day you may as well have not slept at all. It's completely destroying my concentration and enthusiasm and i'm teetering dangerously on the brink of complete insanity. On the lighter side my financial situation from what I can gather appears to be good, there are about 8 weeks left of term and dividing the money I have left (presuming I typed in the figure on the calculator correctly) by eight that leaves me with a budget of over £200 per week! I miss everyone terribly and hope people are ok, I wish you love, prosperity and the fulfilment of your dreams (unless they are sexually perverse, or involve David Cameron becoming emperor of the world) Until next time, I say to you all, "Goodnight and Good luck!"
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
9:52 pm
I had an American lit seminar today and my seminar tutor was sooo cute! He was small and quite thin and he was wearing a corduroy jacket that was far too big for him so it looked like he was being swallowed by it. He kept making these excitable little jerky movements and he was sitting all hunched over. He had the air of an eager little goblin, or some sort of evil pixie. If I were to have an affair with one of my tutors, he would be the chosen one. I'm so unreasonably excited over my reading material, I was flicking through the literary anthology and it had stuff by Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickenson! We're also going to read "The Yellow Wallpaper" which takes place inside the mind of a woman who slowly goes insane in her period of post birth confinement. God I just want to read everything now! My student finance came through today. It was completely unexpected, I just checked my balance at the cashpoint and there was randomly over £1600 in there. At first I thought my discalcular must be playing tricks on me, but I checked it three times (much to the annoyance of the growing queue behind me. My balance has never looked so big before, I had to sit down for a few minutes and do some deep breathing. I'm just not equipped to deal with that amount of money (or numbers that large generally). Speaking of large amounts of money I got a phonecall from my dad and he recieved a bill for 201 euros from the charming hospital in Amsterdam that was kind enough to avail me of its hospitality. My first response was "eeeeeeeeeeeeee!" surely that was emergency medical treatment. I'll have to look into claiming that back from my travel insurance company. Last night was my first amnesty international meeting, I wrote a letter to Zimbabwe. I can therefore tick "saving the world" off my list of things to do, sadly I cannot say the same for "acquire basic verbal communication skills". I fully intended to stay in the pub for the social afterwards, but it turns out that diet coke does not have the soothing effect that a double shot of vodka would, so I lost my nerve and ran away. Why am I so shy and socially inept? why? why? why? I've come to the conclusion there is a vital part of my brain missing. Whenever someone tries to initiate a conversation with me, however interesting and non threatening they may be, my mind goes completely blank, so then I get embarrassed, start panicking and bolt. Aaargh! i'm just useless. I went swimming again today, i'm a definate exercise convert. Well better go, early lectures tomorrow.
Love you all
xxxxx
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com